If Christmas were an anime.

Once upon a time, in a distant galaxy, a census was demanded for all in the galaxy. A man and a woman, named Mary (known affectionately as ‘Moé Mary’) and Joseph, had to return to their home planet, Jerusalem, to get counted, but when they got there, everywhere was occupied! So they had to stay in a barn, along with the electric sheep and flying horses.

But Moé Mary had been knocked up by a smoking-hot divine god (Mormons in space!*), which didn’t bother Joseph at all, because Joseph had an awesome mecha shaped like a camel given to him by the god to keep him from getting mad at him… but also because the hot god told Joseph that Mary was gonna have a god for a kid, so Joseph was willing to roll with it. So Moé Mary was extremely preggers, and stuck in a barn.

But something miraculous occurred! Moé Mary gave birth in an entirely painless process, and suddenly valkyries appeared from the heavens to celebrate the birth! The valkyries were well-endowed and sang beautifully, and were very, very holy. The baby born was named Jesus, and he was fated to grow up and have intense bromances with several guys who would comprise his non-sexual harem.

But an evil king plotted from afar to kill Jesus, for he feared the prophecies of his to-be power. He sent three of his underlings, samurai-vikings he trusted deeply. But the samurai-vikings were impressed by the young babe, and when they visited him ten days after his birth, they brought gifts of legendary swords and rayguns. Years later, Jesus as a child complained that his mother and father pawned these for money for a hotel stay and upgrades for Joseph’s mecha, the Gundam Holy Resurrection.

But that night in the little barn, as Jesus lay unnaturally peacefully and the audience got a great view down Moé Mary’s robes, the valkyries sang their praises, and Joseph went on a joyride in the Gundam Holy Resurrection, shouting the good news to the universe. But just like Kara no Kyoukai, it was only the beginning movie in a series of movies…

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* this website used only because the Wikipedia’s Mormon article buries the info on their interpretation of Mary’s pregnancy in the middle of some paragraph really far down the page… so, uh, ignore the intolerant stance on Mormonism

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